JOKE THREAD. If easily offended do not view this thread.

[crockettjb]

One day a duck walks into a feed store and says "Got any duck feed?" The owner says "No, we don't carry duck feed." So the duck comes back the next day and says "Got any duck feed?" Again the owner says "No!"  Next day here comes the duck, "Got any duck feed?" The owner says "Look, I've told you before that we don't have any duck feed and we never will. Now if you come in here and ask for duck feed again I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor." So a couple days later the duck comes back and say "Got any nails?" "No" says the owner. "Got any duck feed?"

[LoneWolf]

You gotta love Robin. Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

ROBIN WILLIAMS' PLAN...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here' s one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ' ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave . We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediatel y, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for awhile .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil produc ing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to
the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language w e speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "


Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York " in Arabic...

[LoneWolf]

Mexico, Hurricane Dean

A Big Hurricane Dean with the strength of 150 miles hour hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined.  The government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.  The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!!!

[Care Bear]

Nice Jimmy....

[TanYJ]

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant
and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and
she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking
around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

[TanYJ]

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[TanYJ]

Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
  Worn once by mistake.
   Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent
condition. $1,000 or best offer.  No longer needed.  Got married last month. Husband knows everything.

[upnover]

I felt a little bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline
I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan
I explained I was feeling suicidal
They were very excited with this news and wanted to know if I
could drive a truck or fly an airplane...

[YJ_Aaron]

Jim I'm available anytime to be one of your pall bearers!

[upnover]

Thanks Aaron, I can always count on you.

[OJTV8CJ]

Two business men in New York City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready with only a few shelves set up.

One says to the other, 'I'll bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the South walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're ya'll sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling a$$holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!'


NEW YORKERS  (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS

[CRAZY LARRY]

                THREE GUYS
A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American Marine are walking together one day. They come across the proverbial lantern
and a Genie pops out of it.

" I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says,"I am a farmer,my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada

POOF! Wtih a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said,"I want an impenetrable wall around Afgamistan,Iraq and Iran with all believers of
Mohammad inside and all Jews,Americans, and other infidel forever outside our precious state.

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The American Marine asks,"I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall'.

The Genie explains,"Well,it's 5000 fett high, 500 fett thick and completely surrounds these countries. Lt's virtually impenetrable.

        Now what is your wish?"

The American Marine smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
POOF!!!!

[TanYJ]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. ?You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all?

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[TanYJ]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[TanYJ]

Subject: Healthly living?

 


I know you'll like these answers...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?


A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?


A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain?  Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?


A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?


A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?


A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ...
Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?


A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?


A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?


A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?


A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?


A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand,
strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and
screaming

"WOO HOO! What a Ride!"