Christmas Party Announcement
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 8, 2006
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more
than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make
a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 10, 2006
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now???
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 13, 2006
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"
AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange is allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 14, 2006
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accomodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party - or else package everything for you to take home in a
little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. And
YES, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress- No. No cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will
be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F---king Employees
DATE: November 15, 2006
RE: the F---king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f---king salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!
Signed,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2006
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in
"the unit" and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.
Happy Holidays!
